


Come Dine With Me

by Variabels



Category: Come Dine With Me (UK), Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn, Super Smash Brothers, 光神話 | Kid Icarus (Video Games)
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, Hot Springs, I continue to ruin Marth and Roy's friendship, Kinda, Link is the only sane one, Marth gets angry, Marth's tiara gets abused, Secret Plot, dragon ball reference in chapter 3, every dinner ends up a mess, huge meals, implied vomiting in chapter 2, lots of fe references, parody of come dine with me, vegetable death in chapter 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Variabels/pseuds/Variabels
Summary: It's a boring summer in the smash mansion. So how do Marth, Roy, Ike, Pit, and Link decide to spend their time? By imitating Come dine with me while being unaware that they're in a TV show.





	1. Come Dine With Me

**Author's Note:**

> I was originally going to write a fanfic about Marth being angry at Roy and Ike, but Chrom being confirmed as Roy's echo made me decide that I should wait for Ray Chase to be confirmed as Roy's VA to make that story even funnier.

It was currently summer break for the smashers. This meant the smashers were free to do whatever they wanted, as long as it was legal and family friendly.

Marth, Roy, Link, Ike and Pit were sitting in the TV room surrounded by at least twenty fans. But alas, the fans weren't much help since the ice cubes they had brought with quickly melted in the heat and the group of friends was left to despair.

With the last of his energy, Pit managed to switch on the TV. The only channels available were all British because Shulk and Bayonetta kept complaining about the low quality of non-British sitcoms.

With nothing else to do, the friends sat through the ads. After five minutes, a show had finally begun. A big logo with "Come dine with me" written on it appeared on the TV screen.

Pit and Ike were immediately intrigued by the picture of food and the word dine respectively. The others rolled their eyes and decided to tolerate the show.

An hour later, the show finished. The food-loving duo loved it and rushed to the nearest DVD store that still existed to buy "Come done with me" sets. The pretty boy trio changed the channel, confused about what was so appealing.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

The next morning, the friends met up for breakfast. It was going normally until Pit brought up "Come dine with me" into the conversation.

"Guys, I think we should do something like Come dine with me!" the angel smiled as he looked at his confused friends, "It will give us something to do. We could visit each other's original universes."

"I don't know... Wouldn't we be interfering with the laws of universes or something?" Link shrugged.

"Well, I kinda left everyone without saying goodbye or explaining anything. I think it's a bad idea," Ike admitted, "But if we find a way to not go back to Tellius, it could work. Somehow."

"It would be pretty problematic to return to Archanea. I'd take you guys to Ylisse, but we'd get into a lot of trouble," Marth sighed, "And I don't think anyone, besides Link, can cook."

"Just get Palutena to use her powers to create some weird AU or something. It's not as though we have anything better to do," Roy complained.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

After an hour of begging and another one of planning, the friends had finally come up with a somewhat decent plan.

They would travel to alternate universes where the inhabitants wouldn't find anything weird.

Naturally, Master Hand caught wind of the plan and decided to contact an invisible filming crew to create a TV show. He had to make sure to catch everything on tape to use as blackmail. Maybe he could create his own show...

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

The next day, Ike left early in the morning to begin preparations. His friends stayed until five PM before leaving for Tellius.

The group of friends was about to have the craziest dinner unaware that they were being recorded.


	2. Come Dine With Ike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first dinner is at Ike's place. Only one problem, Ike doesn't know how to cook. So he finds a way around it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a lot of PoR/RD characters. No spoilers though. To avoid them, I'd recommend checking a feh wiki like gamepress or gamepedia to search for the characters mentioned.

Ike made his way to Tellius using a portal made by Palutena. He was looking forward to seeing his friends and family again. The goddess had told him that he'd be sent to a universe where everything was peaceful and everyone was happy and alive.

Ike entered the Greil mercenaries base where he found everyone. Mist, Soren, Titania, all the mercenaries, even his parents... Everyone was there.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Meanwhile, Ike's friends from Smash were busy placing bets on how much food Ike would place on their plates.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

After an hour of negotiations, Ike managed to convince his father to not allow Mist in the kitchen.

The blue haired man called Oscar, Soren and Titania to help him with the preparations.

"I think this should do!" Ike smiled as he showed the menu he had written to his friends.

"I think that would be too much," Titania sighed, "How many friends are you inviting?"

"Four. I'm sure they can handle it. It's not  _that_  much."

"When did you even have time to make these friends?" Soren asked.

"Um... We met while... I was going shopping for food once. I always have time to make friends, since I... fight for my friends."

Surprisingly, Ike's bad lie managed to convince everyone in the room. Ike hoped that question would never be brought up again. He couldn't afford to mess the dinner up.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Palutena allowed Marth, Link, Pit and Roy to enter the portal to Tellius. When they arrived, they saw a big stone fort.

"It's pretty small," Pit remarked.

"Ike's from a normal family. What were you expecting? A huge mansion?" Link replied.

"Wait, it's not the norm to have a huge house?" Marth asked.

"Let's go knock on the door," Roy sighed as he approached the door.

The door flung open as soon as Roy touched it. Ike welcomed his friends and showed them around the fort.

After the tour, he led them to the mess hall where they all sat down to talk as they waited for their food.

Ike excused himself to go cook and the others started gossiping. They started placing bets on what Ike would make.

Sadly, it wasn't a very interesting conversation since everyone expected some kind of meat.

While those four chatted about everything and anything, Ike was busy thinking about how to convince his friends he cooked.

Oscar was the one who was actually cooking and he was expecting a huge pay rise. He was not cooking for five people for free after all. You'd have to be crazy or really really nice to do that and Oscar was sane and really nice.

Ike finally decided to put the food Oscar made on ugly plates and rearrange it all to look sloppy. Perfect, no one would be able to tell he hadn't cooked a thing.

Ike filled some glasses with water and took them to the mess hall. As he placed the drinks, he announced that the food was coming really soon.

His friends looked eager to find out what Ike would bring. Sure, they all bet the same thing, but they all hoped in their hearts that they were wrong.

They were all right.

As Ike brought the food, they noticed the huge size of the portions. The plates were full of sloppily arranged chunks of meat. Way more than one should eat to be healthy.

The presentation might have been bad, but the smell was a completely different story. The food smelled so good, that Marth even admitted he was impressed.

Everyone happily ate their meat, enjoying the delicious savory taste. As soon as everyone finished, Ike took back the empty plates.

He returned and announced they were going to go fight some bandits as entertainment.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

The battle against the bandits was pretty short because Roy's Binding Blade is overpowered in Fire Emblem.

Even so, the friends had some fun and were rewarded with gold by some nearby villagers. All though not that much which disappointed them since they were all so used to being payed a lot by Master Hand.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

They returned to the fort and Ike made his way to the kitchen. His friends returned to the mess hall and waited for Ike.

"What do you guys think he'll bring for dessert?" Link asked, "I'm really looking forward to it. Knowing Ike, it will be something big."

"I hope it's something big and yummy! I didn't know Ike was such a good cook," Pit admitted with a huge smile on his face, "He should cook with Mario and Luigi some day. He could make the pizza topping while the twins make the base and sauce."

"I don't care what it is as long as it's small," Marth whined, "I'm so full. How can you guys eat so much and still want more? Are your stomachs bottomless pits?"

"Ike's a meat loving guy. I'm sure he's not that into desserts. He probably won't make something that big. He didn't even bother making a starter. He's a pretty good friend, he knows we wouldn't be able to handle so much food," Roy reassured Marth before seeing Ike, "Ike's coming!"

As he finished his sentence, the redhead's face went completely pale. His friends, wondering what was wrong with him, turned around to see Ike.

Marth's expression was full of disgust, Link was confused but not completely disturbed and Pit had the biggest possible smile on his face.

"Yay!" Pit cheered, "More food!"

"This was unexpected..." Link admitted, "Was what we just had our starter?"

"Yeah, I kinda forgot to tell you guys," I laughed nervously, "I hope you enjoyed it."

"It was delicious! I'm afraid I won't be able to compete."

"I'm sure you'll do great, Link!"

While the three food loving guys were talking about their love for food. Marth and Roy glanced at each other with very serious expressions. They knew what had to be done and they couldn't mess it up.

"I'm going to the toilet," Marth announced confidently before changing to an uncertain tone, "T-to... Um... Wash my hands and brush my hair... I-it's kind of been bothering me."

"I-I'll race you to the toilet!" Roy shouted as he jumped out of his seat.

The two swordsmen ran out of the mess hall as their three friends stared in confusion.

"Must be a nobles thing to be embarrassed about going to the toilet during a meal," Ike joked.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Marth and Roy ran into the toilet and caught their breaths. They couldn't handle eating any more food.

"What are we going to do?" Marth asked with worry all over his face, "Ike's going to hate us if we refuse to eat anything. He takes food more seriously than anything else."

"We've got to come up with something to eat all the food or at least somehow get rid of it," Roy answered.

The two stood in silence as they thought of a plan. Roy was struck with an idea and broke the silence.

"Do you think you can distract Pit long enough so that he won't realize he's missing two feathers?"

"Probably."

"All right, I'll spill food on you and then we go to the toilet again. We've just got to eat a little bit to make it seem natural."

"What!?"

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Marth and Roy returned to the dinner table and joined in the conversation. About food.

"And then I made a huge fire and accidentally burned my meal!" Link laughed as he told a story about his worst meal ever.

"My worst meal was when my sister cooked for the first time ever," Ike recalled, "It was so disgusting, I actually wanted to vomit. I was way too used to Oscar's cooking."

"Oscar?"

"Uh... He's a friend who usually cooks for us. Since... Um, I'm usually out fighting or training so I don't have time to cook most of the time. He's the best cook I know. Taught me everything about cooking."

"I'd love to meet him and eat his food," Pit smiled, "Must be so nice to eat great meals all the time!"

In the kitchen, Oscar was crying tears of joy as he eavesdropped on the conversation.

"Hey, Pit?" Marth asked.

"What is it?"

"Um... What's the food like in Sky World?"

"It's great! You can eat ice cream off the floor without getting sick!"

Pit went on and on about the amazing food of Sky World. He was so into his eloge that he didn't notice Roy plucking two of his feathers.

"Hey, Marth?" Roy said loudly, "Can you pass the salt?"

"There is no salt."

"What!?" Roy shouted as he dropped his fork on his plate in the most strategic way possible to ensure some of the sauce splashed on to Marth.

Marth looked pretty annoyed that some sauce had splashed onto his hair, but he knew he had to tolerate it for the sake of the plan.

Roy pretended to be embarrassed and excused himself by telling Marth he'd help him clean up. The two rushed out of the room leaving the three other confused.

"I feel bad for them... They must feel so embarrassed..." Pit said, "Their food is going to to get cold."

"You guys don't think they'll mind if we eat some of their food?" Ike asked as he stared at the almost untouched food.

"Marth would never say no to someone wanting to eat his food and I'm sure Roy prefers seeing us happy over seeing himself happy," Link explained, "I say we take a bit."

The three took a little bit of the two missing friends' foods. But they were still feeling hungry. They took a little bit more and before they knew it, Marth and Roy's plates were empty.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

At the same time, Marth and Roy noticed a huge problem in the toilet. There was no flush. They were in medieval times after all.

That meant there was no way to hide the evidence of what they were about to do. They had to make an emergency backup plan.

They snuck out of the fort and into the nearby forest to carry out their plan. After they had executed it, they made their way back to the fort feeling like crap.

The two friends walked through the hallways when they noticed they were being followed by a certain mage unable to hide his death glare.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

"Ike!" Soren shouted as he barged into the mess hall dragging a blue-haired prince and a redhead behind him.

"What's up, Soren?"

"Who are these rich guys? How do they know you? What's Radiant Dawn? What's an S-support? And what does me being your waifu mean?"

"Um... They're my friends I told you about. Radiant Dawn's a game... Um, a board game we all came up with. S-support is a thing in the game and um... What was the last question?"

"Ike's told us a lot about you!" Link smiled as he saved Ike's ass.

Ike sighed in relief. But it was not over yet.

"He talks about me to you?"

"Yeah! He always says great things like how you're an amazing strategist. The best one he's met!"

"In Heroes, he S-supported y-" Pit started before being kicked in the stomach by Link.

"Excuse him, he's an idiot."

While Ike, Soren and Link talked. Marth and Roy took that opportunity to take their plates and rush to the kitchen to throw it to the trash.

But when they arrived, they noticed that their plates were empty and someone was staring at them.

They ran out screaming about a ghost possessing Ike's kitchen. Ike mentally sighed in relief that they didn't catch Oscar making the food.

Everyone sat down and talked around the table and eventually Titania and Oscar joined the group.

Suddenly, Ike remembered he hadn't brought the dessert. But before he could get up, Mist came running in holding the most disgusting looking pancakes imaginable.

Ike's parents came in running and apologizing. They explained that Mist really wanted to help. But none of it mattered. Someone was going to have to take the first bite.

Pit was the first to give in. He quickly grabbed the pancake and stuffed it in his mouth while making sure to swallow it as quickly as possible. He was soon followed by everyone else.

Mist was oblivious to the reason why the room had gotten silent. She assumed everyone was speechless and loved her pancakes. Ike knew what had to be done in order to save the dinner.

"Mist. I think you should never make pancakes again."

Mist looked at her brother with hurt eyes. Ike could feel everyone staring at him and he quickly came up with the crappiest excuse possible.

"You know, they were so good. I want to treasure them forever. If you ever make more, I'll forget about this moment."

"Oh, Ike!"

Mist ran towards her brother to give him a hug. Alas, her efforts were in vain as Ike dodged her and shouted: "Run!".

Ike and his friends from Smash quickly made their way to the portal they had come in from. They entered it and returned to the Smash Mansion.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

The friends decided to meet up in the living room before going to bed. They had very important matters to discuss.

"I think from now on. We should get a menu before going to someone's place," Marth suggested.

"You're right! That will make it even more like Come Dine With Me!" Pit smiled as he jumped off the sofa, "I'm gonna go make mine right now!"

The angel left the room before anyone could register what had happened.

"I thought he'd be upset because there wouldn't be an element of surprise anymore," Roy sighed, "At least, we won't think we're having the main dish instead of a starter again."

"Wait, you guys thought the starter was the main dish?" Ike asked shocked you Roy's revelation.

Once again, Link had to save the day.

"Guys, we're forgetting something very important. How is Pit supposed to make a menu if he can't write?"

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

When everyone went to bed, Master Hand started working on his project. He had gotten a lot of footage and knew exactly what to do with it.

He was going to make sure he'd make a lo of money. He couldn't let such an opportunity go to waste. He had managed to get a good contract for his new show after all.

The black market of TV shows was soon going to know and fear his name. This was just the start of his new reign as the most successful black market TV show producer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Next chapter's getting crazier.
> 
> See you guys next chapter.


	3. Come Dine With Pit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Pit's turn to cook dinner.
> 
> Roy can't be found.
> 
> Friendships are ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try to update this once a week. I need to start working on Farewell Despair.

Pit was happy to return to Sky World. He had really missed it. He loved the Smash Mansion, but there just wasn't anything like home.

First thing on his to-do list was finding this universe's Palutena. He had to explain the whole situation around the dinner to her. That way, she could help him find a way to make food by himself.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

No one had actually seen Pit leave. This meant no one knew where Pit had left the menu.

Link and Marth were the first to arrive for breakfast and were extremely thrilled by the menu's absence.

Link suggested that they ask around for information. But Marth argued that knowing Pit, he probably left the menu in his room and told no one about it.

Ike joined in suggesting they should just have everything be a surprise. This was met with glares from the two shorter swordsmen.

The three tried to come up with an effective plan. That was easier said than done though.

Ike was too used to having people plan for him and wasn't much help, while Link and Marth kept arguing about how the other's plan wouldn't work.

This was what happened every time Roy, the smartest guy of the group and the only one that can plan things with no trouble, wasn't there.

The three didn't know it, but the reason Roy wasn't there was because he had to show the newcomers around. This was all part of Master Hand's plan to have more funny moments in the show.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

After finding Palutena, Pit had been given permission to use the goddess's kitchen and ingredients.

The goddess warned the angel to be careful while mixing the ingredients because one wrong move could make the food come to life.

The green haired goddess gave Pit a recipe with a lot of pictures to help him avoid a catastrophic scenario. She also told him that in case things went bad, she'd rush in to help him without letting his friends know.

Pit was thankful that Palutena was so kind to him. She had even allowed him to spend the whole morning practicing.

He had to make sure he mastered cooking before 3 pm. He hadn't planned anything too hard, so he was confident he could do it.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Realizing they weren't getting anywhere, Marth, Link and Ike decided to search for Roy.

They checked every room to no avail. Where could he be? Had he been kidnapped? Was he turned into a trophy by Tabuu? Did he get killed? No one knew.

Normal people would have given up, but these were video game protagonists. They didn't know what giving up meant.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

By noon, Pit had managed to cook quite a few different meals. Every meal improved in quality.

He could feel it. The dinner was going to be a success.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Marth, Link and Ike were getting really tired and hungry. But they still hadn't given up.

Ike was about to suggest a quick snack break when he heard someone yell "Aether!". He ran towards the sound and was quickly followed by Marth and Link.

The trio entered a noisy room which turned out to be one of the training rooms. There, they saw a group of people watching others train.

Lucina, who was among the group of people, ran towards Marth with the biggest smile ever.

"Hero-King, Marth! You will never believe who's here!"

"Let me guess, we memed K Rool into Smash?"

"What? He's in Smash. But... Father is here! As a fighter!"

"Oh, great..."

"I know right!"

While Lucina was going on and on about her father to Marth, Link and Ike decided to look for the guy. They found him trying out some moves with Dark Samus and Ritcher.

Before they could speak to him, a huge explosion was heard and one of the room's walls came crumbling down.

Roy entered the room while avoiding any falling debris. He apologized for the destroyed wall and his absence. The redhead explained he wanted to get something heavy out of the way using flare blade but he tripped on a banana peel Diddy King had left.

Everyone was distracted and Marth took this opportunity to get away from Lucina. He rushed towards Roy and asked him what he had been doing.

After explaining that he had to show the newcomers around, Roy told his friends they could talk after 3 pm.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Pit felt he had mastered enough cooking to prepare his dinner. He was really looking forward to make food for his friends.

But he had something else to do. He had to prepare the entertainment. He was sure his friends would love it. They all needed to relax after all. How could they not love what he had planned? Link enjoyed healing fountains, Marth liked things that made him more "healthy and beautiful", Ike would love a relaxing activity and Roy would enjoy finally getting to do something calm with his friends.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Roy had finally finished with the tour and met up with his friends. Marth was about to ask Roy for a plan, but Ike had other plans.

He wanted to know why Chrom could use Aether. So Roy explained the whole situation to Marth and Link's dismay.

"So, he has the same recovery as me. But he uses a fighting style similar to yours," Ike summarized.

"Yeah, but since his sword is the same as Lucina's, he doesn't need to sweetspot," Roy clarified before being struck by an idea, "You know Dragon Ball right?"

"I swear, if you two do what I think you're going to-" Marth yelled before being cutoff.

"Fusion!" Roy and Ike shouted in unison as they copied the Dragon Ball pose.

After wasting an hour, the group had finally gotten to the topic of the menu.

"We can just ask Palutena to find it," Roy told his friends.

The group found Palutena and asked about the menu. She found it and let them keep it.

"I don't get it," they all said as they looked at Pit's terrible drawings.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

It was finally time to go to Sky World. The four friends entered Palutena's portal and were greeted by Pit. The angel took his friends to the big dining hall in Palutena's temple after showing them around. Pit left to prepare his starter leaving his friends alone.

The four swordsmen stared at the menu intensely trying to figure out what the drawing was. It was all in vain. Pit was a terrible artist and his drawings looked like a three-year-old's scribbles.

Everyone agreed that the starter was probably going to be something unhealthy. They decided not to place any bets since last time everyone has bet the same thing and it has been a huge waste of time.

Pit returned from the kitchen carrying a huge bowl of fruit salad. His friends were utterly speechless at the sight.

"Um, are you guys okay?" the angel asked confused by his friends' silence, "You did get my menu, right?"

"Yeah, of course, we did," Ike laughed nervously.

"We just weren't expecting it to... look so good!" Link lied.

"My dinner's going to be awesome!" Pit boasted, "Just you wait and see, Link!"

The five friends ate the fruit salad that turned out to actually be pretty good.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

It was entertainment time. This meant Pit was feeling extremely excited, but also a bit nervous. He really hoped everyone would like visiting the hot springs.

When the group arrived at the hot spring's location, they were hit by a realization. No one had brought a swimsuit nor a towel.

"You guys didn't bring towels?" Pit asked confused.

"Um… Roy was supposed to bring them. I made sure to tell him not to forget them," Marth lied trying to push the blame onto his friend.

"What!?" the redhead yelled, "You never told me anything!"

"I know! We can use our capes as towels," Ike suggested only to be met by glares from his shorter friends.

"But what about the swimsuits? We're not going in naked, right?" Link asked.

"Of course not! I always swim in hot springs fully clothed!" Pit smiled, "I'll go get you guys some towels. You guys can just jump in."

The angel ran to fetch some towels while his friends stared at the hot spring unsure on what to do next. Should they go in it with all their clothes or should they wait for Pit to return and discuss things over. Pit was expecting everyone to enter the water fully clothed and if he did it the whole time, there had to be no danger seeing how his clothes appeared to be in perfect condition.

Link decided to feel the water with his hands. It was nice and warm. It felt pretty relaxing. That is until someone decided to push him in.

"Water looks good, Marth! Look at Link he's having a great time," Roy pointed at the blond he had just pushed.

"But his hair is completely wet. I don't want to make mine wet! And my tiara? It will get wet too! It might even rust!"

"But look at Ike, he's happily washing Ragnell in the water. Link's doing the same with the Master Sword. If it makes you feel better, you can use my headband to protect your tiara."

Marth refused, so to try and get Marth in the water, Roy used a tactic that could get him killed. He dared to do what would get most people killed, especially if said person was hated by the prince. No one had ever come close to succeeding, they all ended up getting beaten up by Marth.

Roy was unsure if his plan would even work. He had a speed, height and strength advantage, but when Marth was pissed, he was  **pissed**.

The redhead walked towards the Marth and stood close to him. Roy could see that Marth was confused, this was a good sign.

"Marth, I… I'm..." Roy said as he leaned towards Marth.

"Y-you're what?" the prince blushed unaware of what was about to happen.

"Wait, he's really going to do it?" Ike asked Link.

"Seems like it," the blond answered, "I didn't think he'd do it here and now! He could have waited until the dinner was done to get himself killed!"

The two friends in the hot spring watched intensely what was unfolding in front of them. Pit had even returned, all though the angle he was watching from made everything more confusing to him.

"Marth… I'm so sorry! Please don't kill me!" Roy shouted as he grabbed the prince's tiara and threw it in the hot spring.

"My tiara!" Marth screamed, "I'm going to kill you!"

"I said I was sorry," the redhead cried as he jumped in the hot spring.

The blue-haired prince jumped after him but remembered he had to find his tiara. He couldn't see anything because of the steam and was forced to rely on touch. This presented a few problems. The main one being that Marth was one inch too short to reach the bottom of the spring without making his hair wet.

Seeing Roy and Ike effortlessly picking up objects without making their hair wet only rubbed salt in the wound. Marth was still angry at them, mainly Roy though, for getting taller, manlier and leaving him as the shortest and girliest one of the trio.

While Marth was having the worst moment of his life, the other four friends were relaxing and playing. They were seeing who could find the funniest and most interesting object at the bottom of the spring. Roy had found a bow and Pit had found a weirdly shaped rock. Link thought he had found something, but when he picked it up, Pit fell into the water. Link looked at what he had grabbed and noticed it was the angel's foot.

It was Ike's turn to find an object and he found a tiara. He was pretty disappointed and was about to put it back in the water when his friends stopped him.

"That's Marth's tiara!" Pit noted.

"Shit, what do we do now?" Ike asked.

"I guess we can give it back," Roy suggested.

"That would be the logical thing to do, but Marth is pretty angry right now. Maybe if we throw it in his direction while he's not watching, he'll find it and he'll calm down," Link explained.

"All right, let's do this!" Pit said as he grabbed the tiara from Ike's hand.

The angel threw the tiara in Marth's direction. It was about to land close to where Marth was standing, but the prince moved and ended up in the tiara's trajectory. His friends yelled at him to move out of the way, but it was too late. The tiara hit Marth on the head and the prince fell into the water.

"Well, Pit, Roy… It was nice knowing you," Ike smiled.

"What he said," Link said as he ran out of the spring with Ike.

The two abandoned friends slowly turned around to look at the prince that was glaring at them. The two of them were royally screwed.

"M-Marth, I'm so sorry," Pit cried, "It was an accident, I just wanted to give you your tiara back! I'll give you the best meals if you want."

"Y-yeah! I'm s-sorry, Marth," Roy apologized, "I-I'll make it up to you! I'll do whatever you want or I'll buy you anything you want. Just please don't kill me!"

The prince seemed amused by the begging and said he'd think about it. Of course, he would come up with something cruel for them to do. It wasn't as though he was a big softie or anything.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Everyone returned to the dining hall and waited for Pit to bring dinner. The angel returned from the kitchen with burgers. Link and Ike were the only ones talking which was pretty unusual since they were usually the most quiet ones. The others just ate in silence waiting for dinner to be over.

Link and Ike excused themselves to go the bathroom.

Once they were out of sight from the others, they discussed on how to make the dinner less boring.

"They must be really angry at each other," Link sighed, "They're not saying a word."

"We've got to do something, but what?"

"Maybe we can play a game that forces us to speak?"

"Great idea! Which ones do you know?"

"Truth or dare, seven minutes in heaven, spin the bottle-"

"Which appropriate ones do you know?"

"Never have I ever?"

"Perfect!"

The duo returned to the dinning hall and suggested that everyone play Never have I ever. Surprisingly everyone accepted.

"The first one to lose won't get any dessert. I'll start," Link said, "Never have I ever killed a dragon."

Ike, Roy and Marth glared at Link who laughed.

"My turn!" Pit yelled, "Never have I ever puked after eating."

Roy and Marth turned pale as they remembered the previous dinner.

"Never have I ever," Ike started, "Been the shortest person in a trio of friends."

Ike's statement was met with a lot of disapproval. A lot.

"Uh… Never have I ever had a friend who was shorter than me grow taller than me," Roy smiled nervously.

Marth felt extremely targeted by Roy's statement. He was sure Roy only chose that to brag about how he was now only shorter than Ike.

"Never have I..." Marth glared, "Ever not been a prince."

"Oh, come on!" his friends shouted simultaneously.

The group of friends continued playing for ten minutes. Marth ended up losing and seemed quite happy about it. Pit left to prepare the dessert leaving his friends alone.

"Um, did you guys finish your dinner yesterday?" Link asked nervously.

"No, why?" Marth answered.

"Well… Pit, Ike and I ate it all!"

"It's okay, we really don't mind," Roy smiled.

"Yeah, I'd never say no to someone wanting to eat my food," Marth added.

"Guys, you don't need to pretend to not mind," Ike told his friends.

"We really don't."

Pit returned with four ice creams and strawberry shortcakes. They looked so good that Marth regretted being happy because he lost.

Everyone, except Marth, was eating their dessert happily. Roy noticed Marth seemed sad and offered him a piece of his cake. However, Link stopped him stating that they had all agreed that the loser would get no dessert.

But for once, luck was on Marth's side. A vegetable was walking down a hallway.

"Guys! There's a walking eggplant!" Roy shouted.

Link, Ike and Pit quickly stood up and ran towards it. Roy pushed his plate towards Marth and told him to eat some before the others returned. Marth was about to eat some when the Link, Ike and Pit returned. Roy and Marth froze at their friends return.

"Almost forgot this," Pit said as he took his plate.

Link and Ike also picked up their plates and the trio ran towards the eggplant while eating their cake. Marth and Roy sighed in relief and quickly finished the cake on the plate before catching up with their friends.

"You already finished your cake?" Ike asked Roy.

"Uh, yeah! It was really good so I kinda ate it all in a few bites."

"Everyone, attack that eggplant!" Pit yelled.

Everyone slashed at the vegetable. It was now cut up and dead. However, it had not gone down without a fight. The group of friends were now covered in eggplant.

"I guess we should go home and take a shower," Pit laughed.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Back in the smash mansion, everyone took a shower and met up afterwards.

"That was an eventful dinner," Link smiled.

"Sure was! We killed an eggplant, I almost died and Roy and Marth managed to friendship break up and reconcile in the same evening," Pit yelled in joy.

"Who's turn is it tomorrow?" Roy asked.

"Not mine," Marth answered, "I need to mentally recover."

"All right, Link, you're up."

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Later that night, Link was staring at a blank piece of paper.

"I can't come up with anything!" he yelled.

"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep!" Toon Link shouted as Young Link laughed.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Master Hand was looking at his statistics. The last episode had performed better than expected. He knew he was on his way to fame. People were already starting to make merch of his new show and only the first episode had been released.

The hand laughed as he edited the second episode. But not loud enough so that Crazy Hand wouldn't hear anything. He couldn't afford anyone in the Smash Mansion finding out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.  
> I originally wanted to include other KI:U characters but couldn't really find a good way to introduce them. I haven't played it in over a year, so I can't really remember all the characters very well besides Viridi, Palutena, Hades, Phosphora, Black Pit and Medusa.  
> See you guys next chapter.


	4. Come dine with Link

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link must prepare his dinner. However, he runs into a few familiar faces in Hyrule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally finished this chapter! School's getting in the way. But I have my whole Thursday afternoon off, so I use it to get my homework done (teachers love giving homework for Friday for some reason). That way I have more time on weekends to write, draw and shitpost.

"I'm finally done!" Link smiled in joy as he looked at his completed menu.

He was pretty pleased with his choices. He was sure everyone would enjoy it. The hard part would be getting all the ingredients, but it was worth it if it meant having a great dinner with his friends.

"Can't you go to sleep? It's 3 am!" Toon Link shouted loud enough to wake up Young Link who fell out of his bed.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

The next morning, Link woke up feeling like shit. He had never been a morning person. In fact, he loved sleeping so much he once slept for 100 years.

He didn't want the others to go through the trouble of looking for the menu again, so he gave it to Master Hand. The hand understood Link's request and swore he would deliver the menu to the Hylian's friends.

Naturally, Link had no idea that Master Hand had something special planned. Master Hand spent an hour learning to imitate Link's bad handwriting. The viewers had really liked the element of surprise provided by Pit's menu. Master Hand needed to please the fans even if it meant his fighters would suffer. After all, Smash was nothing without its fans.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Link entered the portal created by Palutena after having a light breakfast. He arrived in Hyrule and was hit with nostalgia. It felt nice being back home knowing there was no danger.

However, soon Link noticed something really really really wrong. He didn't actually have a house. He had gotten so used to having food available at all times, he had forgotten he used to hunt and look for it.

Link sighed realizing he was going to have to hunt. He hoped he'd find all the ingredients necessary for what he had planned.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Master Hand, wanting to avoid any suspicion, gave the fake menus to Crazy Hand. He was counting on his crazy brother to deliver the menus and get blamed when everyone noticed the menus were wrong.

Crazy Hand went to the cafeteria in hopes of finding Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit. However, he only found Lucina, Chrom, Richter and Dark Pit. Crazy Hand decided they were similar enough to Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit and gave them the menus.

The four echoes looked at the menus with confusion and threw them in the trash.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Link had managed to find Epona and decided to ride her in order to travel around Hyrule faster. As he traveled, he noticed smoke coming from a forest. He got off Epona and went to inspect the source of the smoke.

The Hylian saw a short teenager sitting next to a fire. The man was dressed in green and had dirty blond hair. He was complaining about his grandfather being late.

Link couldn't help but feel he knew the blond teen. Something about his aura felt familiar. Link approached the teenager to get a closer look. As he saw the stranger's face, he noticed similarities between the teenager and someone he knew.

Link was about to ask the teen his name when another teenager arrived. This one was taller and his hair was golden blond. He was also dressed in green. He looked even more familiar than the other one.

A realization struck Link the more he looked at the two teens in front of him.

"Y-you!" he stuttered in shock as he pointed towards the taller blond, "You're Young Link but old!"

"I'm still in my teens, but yeah… I guess I'm him."

"And you," Link turned towards the other teen, "Your earrings… Your eyes… They're the same as my wolf's."

"I got tired of being a wolf. It's boring," the hero of Twilight sighed, "Grandpa Time told me I could retransform. So now I'm back to my usual hot self."

"Wait, Young Link got laid?"

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Young Link woke up sneezing. He went to the cafeteria to fetch a glass of water. While he was in the cafeteria, he ate some snacks.

The young hero of Time was about to throw the wrappers in the trash when he saw some papers peeking out of it. He recognized the handwriting as Link's.

"Why would he throw them here? Did his friends hate his menu?"

Young Link read the menu and noticed it actually looked delicious. He was feeling jealous he hadn't been invited, but he could just ask Link to make him dinner some other day.

The Hylian boy just couldn't wrap his head around why the menus were in the trash. He had to find Link's friends and ask them why they had thrown away the menus.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Link had spent an hour explaining to the two other Links what he was doing with his friends. He avoided saying anything about Super Smash Bros, but it appeared to be working against him. He eventually gave up and told them everything.

"I haven't seen Marth and Roy in forever. I wonder what they look like now," the hero of Time wondered.

"Marth probably looks even more like a girl," the hero of Twilight joked, "If you don't mind, can I beat up Pit once you're done with your dinner?"

"But we still have two more dinners to attend," Link replied nervously, "Anyway, if you two are here, does that mean there are other Links here?"

"Yeah, I think I see them coming!"

More Links entered the forest and sat around the fire. They all looked different and were of different heights.

Everything seemed to be going smoothly until Toon Link entered followed by another Toon Link followed by another Toon Link.

"S-so many Toon Links!" Link shouted before fainting from shock.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Young Link walked around the Smash Mansion looking for Link's friends. While he was walking, he saw Toon Link sneezing a lot. Young Link felt bad for not helping Toon Link, but he was sure Dr. Mario could help him.

Young Link heard some noise coming from the living room and ran to check it out. He found Pit and Ike watching "Come dine with me". The two food lovers were arguing over who had the best dinner.

On the other side of the room, Marth and Roy were playing on their phones. They were talking about IVs, summoning and things Young Link couldn't understand.

"Guys! I have to ask you something!" the Hylian boy shouted.

"What is it?" Pit answered

"Why did you guys throw away the menus Link made? His food choices actually look pretty good."

"We never got the menus, maybe Link threw them in there?"

"Can we look at them?" Ike asked excited to know what he would be having for dinner.

Young Link gave Ike the menu who read it out loud.

"Creamy heart stew for the starter. Gourmet meat and rice bowl as the main dish. Fruitcake for dessert. This looks great! I wonder why this menu would be in the trash?"

"Yay, meat again," Marth said with no emotion.

"I know right, this is so exciting! Link's a great cook, we're going to have a great dinner!"

"Doesn't Link live in the wild? How's he going to make the cake?" Roy asked.

"He'll find a way. He'll probably ask Zelda to let him use her castle's kitchen."

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Link felt something on his face. He opened his eyes and saw one of the Toon Links drawing on his face.

"Aw, you woke up… The other Links went to get the ingredients on your list."

"What time is it?" Link asked as he washed his face.

"It's four thirty."

"Crap, I've gotta hurry up!"

Link rushed to start his meals. Luckily, he had chosen meals that didn't take too long to make. He cooked while the other Links arranged the forest to look nicer.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Marth, Roy, Ike and Pit arrived in Hyrule. They were surrounded by grass and unsure of where to go. The only buildings in sight were ruins.

"Did anyone here ever finish playing Breath of the Wild?" Roy asked before Link appeared and ran towards the group.

"Follow me! I'll show you where we'll eat," Link smiled.

The five friends arrived at the fireplace in the forest. Link left to finish his starter while the others were free to do what they wanted.

"What's a creamy heart stew?" Pit asked.

"Probably something made with hearts," Marth answered, "Or it could be some weird metaphor thing. Why didn't you ask Link?"

"He kinda left in a rush."

"He's probably stressed out," Ike sighed, "He's probably worried his food won't be perfect. I'm sure it will be great. Link's one of the best cooks I know."

"If Link is stressed out, what will happen when it's my turn?" Roy asked full of worry, "I'm going to die because of all the stress."

"You'll be fine. You've been through worse."

Link returned with food after five minutes. When Ike saw what Link was carrying, a big smile appeared on his face.

"Meeeaaattt!" the mercenary shouted in joy.

"It smells great," Roy smiled, "Definitely not what I expect. I guess it is too hot for stew."

"Stew?" Link asked in confusion.

"Your menu said we were having creamy heart stew."

"That's weird… Maybe I gave Master Hand the wrong menu."

"We can figure it all out later, we should eat first."

The friends happily ate their skewers. Link was definitely a great cook. He could take the simplest of meals and make them delicious. It was a mystery why Master Hand had never asked Link to cook for the mansion. Poor Mario and Luigi were getting tired of making pizzas every week.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Link had completely forgotten about the entertainment. He was forced to come up with an idea on the spot. Hopefully, no one would die because of it.

The Hylian led his friends to another part of the forest. This part was full of Links. The Links noticed the five friends had entered their part of the forest and quickly ran to greet them.

The hero of Time was the first to reach the group. He pulled Marth and Roy in for a hug.

"I've missed you two! I haven't seen you guys in forever. You guys have changed so much. Roy, you're taller than Marth now."

"Yeah, puberty kinda hit me like a truck," Roy laughed.

"And Marth, you're… Um… Prettier?"

"Yes, I know," Marth smiled proudly before his brain registered what had been said, "Make a princess Martha joke and I'll kill you."

The hero of Twilight was the second Link to reach the group.

"Yo, what is up?"

"Link!? I thought you had had plastic surgery!" Pit shouted in confusion.

"W-what? You thought Wild was me?"

"I guess you two do look different besides eye color. You could easily pass as Young Link's brother though."

"Makes sense, he's my ancestor after all."

"What is it with Smash Bros and weird families?" Ike asked in frustration, "I mean, we're surrounded by at least ten Toon Links."

Hearing this, the Toon Links started attacking Ike with sticks since their swords had been confiscated because they had tried to kill the other Links. The other Links started placing bets on which Toon Link would anger Ike first.

Ike's friends wanted to bet too but they couldn't differentiate any on the Toon Links. They all looked exactly the same. Same hair, same voice, same hat, same personality. It's as though the devs couldn't have been bothered to give them more original designs besides giving a few of them different colored outfits.

They ended up betting on who would win and who the Toon Links would attack next.

"I say Ike wins and the Toon Links throw a tantrum," Pit shouted, "They'll attack Link afterwards."

"No, I think they'll attack you since you think Ike can beat them," Roy disagreed, "Ike's going to show sympathy to the Toon Links and he'll lose on purpose."

"But Ike never shows sympathy."

"What? He shows sympathy all the time. Did you even play Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn?"

"I can't read, so of course, I didn't play them! But, I've never seen him show sympathy to anyone."

"He does all the time! He once even shared his food with me when I made up an obvious lie about my food being off because I thought his looked better. Ike never shares his food with anyone."

"Ike shares food with you? He's never done that with me. He probably believed you and decided he didn't want Master Hand blaming him if you got food poisoning. That or he likes you way more than anyone else that he's fine with sharing his food with you."

While the two of them argued over Ike, Link and Marth were discussing what they wanted to see happen.

"It would be nice if they'd all makeup and get along," Link sighed.

"I know Ike's probably going to win, but I kinda hope he loses," Marth admitted.

"Marth, why?"

"Because they'll target you next and I really want to see the Toon Links beat you up. I'll even help them if they allow it."

"Just what did the previous Links do to make you hate me?"

By the time the bets had been finalized, the Toon Links had proclaimed themselves victorious. They were deciding on their next target. Half of them wanted to attack Link and the other half wanted to attack Pit.

"No way, Ike lost," Pit gasped.

"I let them win," Ike smirked, "I didn't want them to feel the satisfaction of actually beating me."

"Sure," Roy rolled his eyes.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

The five friends decided to run away to avoid anything the Toon Links had planned. Link went to get dinner while his friends theorized on what it would actually be.

"It's going to be vegetables, right?" Ike said worried that he would have to eat disgusting vegetables.

"Please, let it be anything that isn't meat. I'm tired of meat," Marth complained.

Link gave everyone their plates. The plates had curry, chicken and rice on them. The smell was so good that everyone was drooling.

Ike sighed in relief that it wasn't vegetables. Marth tried to hide his big smile due to the lack of red meat. The prince naturally failed miserably since Pit was the first one to point out that Marth looked too happy.

The curry was still a bit hot, so everyone waited for it to cool down. Except for Roy who appeared to be completely unaware that the food was hot. The redhead happily ate is his meal.

By the time Roy was done, the others had just started. Luckily Link still had lots of curry left so he gave Roy and Ike, who had quickly finished his food, some more.

Once everyone had finished their dinner, Link brought the most exciting part of every dinner, dessert. He had made honeyed fruits for everyone. They smelled and tasted great.

Everything was going smoothly until they heard a sound coming from a bush. OoT Link and TP Link appeared and told the five friends to run because the Toon Links had gone crazy and decided to attack everyone.

The five friends ran but the Toon Links had managed to catch up. Link attempted to calm down the Toon Links but to no avail. They were too angry to listen to reason.

Marth tried asking the Toon Links if he could join their side, but Roy threatened to set the prince's hair on fire if he betrayed them.

"I miss the Melee days when you were a short idiot and I could get you to do anything," Marth complained.

"I remember when you'd insist on calling your tiara a circlet," Roy recalled, "Oh! Do you remember the time Peach tried to teach us how to cook?"

"Yeah! I hit you with the frying pan and you set the whole kitchen on fire. Are we still banned from using the kitchen?"

"Dunno. Doesn't stop us from still sneaking in to make popcorn."

"Look guys," Pit interrupted, "It's nice that you guys managed to avoid getting in a fight by talking about your good old Melee days. But I think we could use some help against these crazy Toon Links!"

The five friends had managed to fend off the army of Toon Links successfully. OoT Link and TP Link thanked them and asked if they could take photos together as a souvenir.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

After taking some photos, the group of friends returned to the smash mansion. They discussed the day's events and came to the conclusion that Master Hand had given Crazy Hand the menus who ended up throwing them away.

"With that out of the way, who's making dinner tomorrow?" Link asked.

"Marth, since I… I have to prepare for a fight with Ephraim," Roy answered.

"Oh, yeah! I also have to prepare for my fight against Hector," Ike remembered.

"Fine, I'll make dinner tomorrow," Marth sighed as he left to prepare a menu.

The room was silent for a minute until Pit asked the real question on everyone's mind.

"Has Marth ever cooked? I remember him mentioning using a pan to hit Roy."

"He'll figure something out," Roy shrugged, "Probably."

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Marth finished his menu in no time. He wrote the most complicated meals possible with the vaguest names possible. He wasn't intending on cooking at all, he'd just get someone else to make the food for him. He was the legendary Hero-King after all, even though he hated that title, and kings did not cook.

Marth was about to decide on who he'd ask to cook when he noticed something wrong.

"I don't even act like a prince anymore! I let Roy get away with burning my stuff, I hang out with commoners like Ike, I respect Kirby out of all people… I use so much slang nowadays, I even call my tiara a tiara instead of a circlet. Damn it, if everyone's alive in Archanea like in Tellius, that means my dad will be alive. He's going to be so pissed at me."

The next hour was spent begging Palutena to let him go to Ylisse instead of Altea. The Goddess agreed as she knew exactly why the prince didn't want to return to his homeland.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

Master Hand laughed like an evil mastermind as he saw how his show rose in popularity. It was number 1 trending on Dwitter, the deep web version of Twitter. It already had over 1000 fanfictions and over 10000 fanarts. People were theorizing what would happen in the next episode and that just made the hype around the show even bigger.

Master Hand was getting thousands of emails asking for collaborations with him. Some of the most famous people in the industry were begging to collaborate with him.

Naturally, the hand turned them down. He had a show to finish after all.

Master Hand edited the third episode with joy. If he had a face, there would have been a huge grin on his face. Laughs filled the editing room the whole night.

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

"What are you looking at?" Young Link asked as he saw Link staring at some pictures.

"Photos from the dinner. Look at all these Toon Links," Link laughed as he passed his phone to Young Link.

"That's a lot of them. They all look so angry. Oh, there's a picture of adult me! Who's the Link next to me?"

"That's Twilight Princess Link. He likes referring to you as grandpa."

"That's cute."

"Well, you're technically his great-great-something-grandpa."

"W-what!?"

Toon Link blushed embarrassed by the idea of having a family and kids while Link laughed. The laughing woke Toon Link up. The angry kid was about to yell at the two to shut up until he noticed what they were laughing about.

"Wait, Young Link got laid?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I would have included BotW characters, but I don't have the game (I'll hopefully get it in a year when I move out and buy myself a Switch, SSBU is my priority). So, I included the old Links (I also really wanted to do a Young Link got laid joke, sorry…).
> 
> Fun fact: Under very specific circumstances you can have all the FE characters in SSBU (except Roy and Lyn) be in the same family. If we assume that Priam really is related to Ike (whether it be directly from Ike or indirectly if he's Mist's descendant), if he marries F!Robin and their son Morgan marries Lucina, they join the Ylisse Royal family (Marth's descendants). Then F!Corrin or M!Corrin must marry Odin or Ophelia respectively and they join the family.
> 
> This leaves Roy who can only be related to Lyn if she's his mother or if he marries Lilina or Sue and their mother is Lyn.
> 
> The fight Roy and Ike are referencing is the upcoming CYL2 Voting Gauntlet in FEH. I'm going Team Roy, all though I'll join Ike if Roy loses or Ephraim if Ike and Roy both lose.
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


	5. Come dine with Marth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time to eat at Marth’s place, all though it’s not really his place. Or his cooking. But does it matter to anyone? Heck, does anyone even realize anything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m finally back and all of my jokes are outdated. So all you’ve gotta know is that my man Ephraim won the CYL2 voting gauntlet because he doesn’t pick fights he can’t win.

 

 

"Marth? Maaaaarrrtthhh? Wake up, sleeping beauty! Princess Martha? Lucina? Peasant? Asshole? Marth, you've gained weight! Peach stole your tiara. Ike's giving you all of his food for a month. Link's kicking you out of our group. I swapped all your clothes with Pit's. Damn it... Marth, say something! Wake up!"

 

Marth couldn't care less about the complaints and insults. He was way too happy in his bed. Nothing could get him out of his bed. When Marth wanted his beauty sleep, he got his beauty sleep.

 

The prince was relaxing in his bed. He made sure not to move or open his eyes. He didn't want anyone forcing him out of his bed. But the room's heat was making him consider getting out of bed. Why had it gotten so hot? Marth opened his eyes and saw fire.

 

"Must be a dream."

 

The prince closed his eyes and attempted to go back to sleep. But the heat was unbearable. It felt real. Marth had never experienced such a dream. At first, he assumed Mewtwo was messing with him, but the pokemon usually made him dream in yellow and had him do weird things he’d rather not tell anyone about.

 

"Oh, well, this is just a dream. I'll forget all about it when I wake up."

 

As he finished his sentence, he heard someone fall and groan in frustration. Probably just some forgettable background character.

 

The groaning turned into swearing and it started to annoy Marth. But it was better than the heat that had mysteriously vanished.

 

Suddenly, the groaning stopped. Marth sighed in relief only to regret it later. He felt something touch him. It felt like fingers. Someone was tickling him.

 

"S-stop it!" he ordered whilst laughing.

 

"So, are you done acting weird?" Roy asked as he stopped tickling Marth, "It's almost eleven and you haven't had breakfast yet. You do know it's your turn to cook tonight, right?"

 

Marth had completely forgotten. He had overslept. He didn't know if he'd even have time to find the best cooks in Ylisse. He could just force some random peasant to cook for him in the worst case scenario.

 

Marth gave Roy the menus before getting dressed and rushing out of his room.

 

The redhead read the menu with confusion. He didn't think the other guys would even know what half the things on it were. All the dishes had weird fancy names and were extremely complex. How was Marth going to cook everything on the menu by himself?

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

"And make sure Sumia can make pies better than in canon."

 

"Is that all, Marth?" Palutena asked tired of all of Marth's requests.

 

"You also have to make sure Priam doesn't exist. It took me an hour to explain Richter to Simon, I am not wasting a year of my life explaining Priam to Ike."

 

"Anything else?"

 

"Make sure Chrom, Lucina and Morgan never ever call me Grandpa."

 

"Are we done?"

 

"I've still got 1990 requests."

 

Palutena slammed her head into the table in despair.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Roy found Link, Ike and Pit in the living room. For once, Come Dine with Me wasn't on. Instead, a Gordon Ramsay cooking show was being shown. Link and Pit were going on and on about how great the chef's techniques were while Ike just nodded unable to understand what was actually going on.

 

Roy interrupted the trio's TV time to show them the menus. As expected, none of them understood anything. Pit couldn't even read what was written but that's because he's illiterate and never learned how to read.

 

"Agnolotti for starter. Cornish Skate for main course. Millefeuille for dessert. What are these foods?" Ike asked.

 

"Something Italian, something with corn and something French," Link guessed.

 

"Eh, close enough," Roy sighed as his friends discussed what on Earth they were going to eat.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Bored of his friends' ramblings, Roy went to the kitchen to get something to eat. When he got there, he saw someone who shouldn't be there.

 

"Marth, why are you still here?"

 

"I'm looking for ingredients. I don't think I'll be able to find everything I need in Ylisse."

 

"Just make up something, the others have no idea what you're making."

 

"Of course, they don't know what I'm making. But I know what I'm having for dinner and I'm making sure it's perfect."

 

"I'm sure they won't mind if it's not perfect. It's not as though we've ever actually known what we'd eat since we started this."

 

Roy was unaware that Marth wasn't actually planning on doing anything. He assumed the prince was in a dorky mood or something. Dorky Marth was more fun to hang out with than angry Marth or bitchy Marth, but neither Marth nor Roy had time to hang out.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Marth had finally finished all his preparations and arrived in Ylisse. He quickly made his way to the Royal Castle and made his presence known.

 

He gracefully walked down the hallways while everyone greeted him and smiled. Marth knew they loved him, he was their beloved Hero-King after all.

 

"Hi!" Inigo greeted, "Is it me or do you look prettier today, Lucina? Your chest seems bigger and your curves look nicer. Who knew a haircut and a wardrobe change could make someone look way better?"

 

"That fucking bitch!" Marth shouted in anger shocking everyone in the castle.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Palutena was helping Isabelle make flower crowns for Cloud. Isabelle had finished her first crown and wanted to see what Cloud looked like with it. She put it on the blond's head and smiled proud of her creation.

 

Right at that moment, Palutena, thanks to her clairvoyance, saw what was happening in Ylisse and burst out laughing. She tried to explain that she wasn't laughing at Cloud or at Isabelle's crown, but failed miserably.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

After an hour of apologizing and explaining, Marth finished recruiting his chefs. He took out his iPhone and showed them the recipes. Everyone was impressed... with the iPhone, not the recipes.

 

"Wow, what is that?" Sumia asked staring in awe at the phone, "It's like a magical book."

 

"I've never seen something like that," Miriel admitted, "I'll have to take a closer look at it for science."

 

"Right, I forgot there haven't been any technological advancements after 2000 years," Marth sighed, "Forget about it and just cook."

 

"Yes, Hero-King!" all the cooks said in unison.

 

Marth smirked as he saw everyone get to work. His friends were going to love his food. All he had to do was come up with some entertainment and he would win the competition.

 

"Wait, is this even a competition?" Marth asked himself.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

"Link, I'm bored!" Pit complained as he mindlessly changed TV channels.

 

"It's not my fault Ike and Roy are doing their fight gauntlet things."

 

"Don't you think it's been pretty noisy today?"

 

"Yeah, I think it's coming from the garden."

 

The two short friends went to the garden where they saw a very angry Cloud and a very angry Isabelle (or at least as angry as she could get which wasn't much). The two were glaring at Palutena who insisted she hadn't been laughing at them.

 

"Lady Palutena, what's happening?" Pit asked with concern.

 

"I saw something funny with my clairvoyance and laughed at the worst time possible."

 

"I have an idea!" Link smiled, "Why don't you guys settle your differences with a fight? It's not as though there's anything else to do. Plus, it will give Isabelle an opportunity to practice."

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Marth ordered Nowi, Henry, Lon'qu and Olivia to decorate the dining room while he did nothing. The group appeared to be having fun, except for Lon'qu. The swordsman appeared bored out of his mind and confused as to why he had to decorate.

 

None of that mattered to Marth, he was even more bored. The prince was so bored, he went for a walk hoping everyone would mess up so that his day would be more interesting. As he walked down a hallway, everything went pitch black before returning to normal.

 

"Did you notice that?" Marth asked a guard that was standing in the hallway.

 

"Notice what?"

 

"Never mind, must have been my imagination."

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

The sudden darkness had nothing to do with Marth's imagination. It was all due to Palutena getting her ass kicked by an edgy blond and the happiest dog ever.

 

Isabelle was having fun testing out her moves on Palutena. She was using party poppers, fishing rods and Lloids. Meanwhile, Cloud was just beating up Palutena as though it was the most normal thing ever.

 

"This is so one-sided," Pit complained, "Only Isabelle seems to be having fun."

 

"That's what happens every time someone teams up with Cloud," Link sighed as he watched the boring fight, "His team obliterates the opposing team."

 

"Poor Palutena is facing Isabelle and Cloud alone… Why did she insist on me watching?"

 

Link shrugged and continued to watch the fight with Pit until Palutena lost all her stocks.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Pit was trying to cheer up Palutena while Link just sat there awkwardly. The room's atmosphere was awkward. Even this paragraph is awkward.

 

The awkwardness was interrupted by two laughing voices belonging to everyone's favorite Fire Emblem guys.

 

"That was awesome even though Ephraim kicked our asses!" Ike grinned.

 

"I know! Veronica was so strong. I was so scared that Ephraim would lose against her."

 

"But Ephraim doesn't pick fights he can't win. I'm sure Chrom will be happy to hear that Ephraim won."

 

"Who's Ephraim?" Pit asked.

 

"He's-"

 

"Forget Ephraim," Link interrupted, "We need to go or we'll be late."

 

The four friends were transported to Ylisse thanks to a depressed Palutena's portal.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Marth was dying of boredom. He had nothing to do. He was so bored he started thinking of ways to ruin everything for the sake of having fun.

 

Luckily, the guards announced that his friends had arrived before he got up to ruin everything.

 

Marth ran towards the entrance despite all the guards staring at him. He greeted his friends and led them to the dining hall.

 

It took twenty minutes for them to arrive since Marth kept getting lost. But they all made it in one piece.

 

Marth left to check on the kitchen while his friends debated whether exploring the castle was a good idea or a terrible idea.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

"How are the preparations going?" Marth asked.

 

"We're almost done!" Sumia smiled.

 

"What the hell are those ugly plates? Inigo, go get some nice ones!"

 

"A-are these ones okay?" Inigo stuttered as he showed the prince some blue plates.

 

"No!"

 

Marth looked around the kitchen for some spotless white plates. After making at least half the cooks cry, he found the perfect plates.

 

He ordered Stahl to place the food on the plates in the exact same way as on the phone's pictures. After failing and having to wash the dishes ten times, he finally managed to get it right.

 

But Marth was now faced with a new problem. How was he supposed to bring the plates to his friends?

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

"I know how we can decide!" Link smirked, "Rock-paper-scissors."

 

"But we're four!" Pit argued.

 

"Yeah, so? If I win, we explore the castle. If you win, we don't. If Ike wins, we scare Marth in the kitchen. If Roy wins, we set the castle on fire."

 

"So, if we don't want to die, we need to lose on purpose, right?" Ike asked Roy.

 

"Yep, that's the plan," the redhead sighed.

 

After ten minutes of ties, the last men standing were Ike and Roy. The two had taken a "toilet break" to discuss a way to keep getting ties by only using rock.

 

Pit and Link were really into it. They were impressed by the wills of their friends. They couldn't wait to see who would be the first to stop using rock.

 

Sadly, Marth interrupted the game by putting food on the table. His friends had been so distracted that they hadn't even noticed him running back and forth towards the kitchen to bring each plate one by one.

 

The four guests stared at the plates with excitement. The pasta dish Marth had brought looked and smelled delicious. It was like a meal straight out of a Gordon Ramsey restaurant.

 

"I didn't know you could cook," Link said as he stuffed his face with pasta.

 

"Yeah, me neither," Marth replied.

 

"It's like you're becoming more and more normal with time," Pit noted, "You even swear now. I didn't know non-evil royalty could swear until I met you."

 

"And I didn't know angels couldn't fly until I met you."

 

"I'm pretty sure Marth is just becoming more and more insane with time," Roy argued, "Back in Melee, he wouldn't consider me setting the room on fire as normal."

 

"What are you talking about? Our room is never on fire.”

 

“And one year ago, he’d actually notice the fire...”

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Marth took the empty plates back to the kitchen. He made sure Cordelia cleaned them properly.

 

While she cleaned, Marth made sure the cornish skate was perfect. Marth had never had Cornish skate and had no idea how it was supposed to be made. But that wasn't his problem, he wasn't doing any cooking. He was just there to boss people around.

 

After ten minutes, the cornish skate was finally ready and nicely placed on top of the plates. Luckily for Marth, his friends were extremely distracted by an intense game of rock-paper-scissors, so he took his time getting the plates to the table.

 

Once again, his friends were enamored by the smell of the food. The smell was so great that they didn't even bother asking why there was no corn in the dish.

 

Everyone happily ate the meal that looked as if it had been made by Gordon Ramsey. If this was Food Wars, everyone would be having inappropriate fantasies.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Once everyone had finished eating, Marth cleared the table and announced it was for the entertainment. No one heard what he said because Pit yelled about wanting to see who would win in rock-paper-scissors.

 

Pit insisted that ten minutes should be dedicated to playing rock-paper-scissors. Marth, having no actual idea what he could do to entertain his guests, happily agreed to the angels proposition.

 

Since Marth was also playing, Pit decided that his victory would mean doing whatever he had planned. Which was nothing, not that he knew or anything.

 

As the first round started, Roy and Ike gave each other a look that screamed “We’ve gotta lose this no matter what”. They didn’t want to die young unlike certain Fire Emblem characters. They still had shit to live for.

 

It took Marth exactly two seconds to get disqualified. He had used scissors while Ike and Roy has both chosen rock. Annoyed, he returned to the kitchen to check on the cake while his friends continued to play.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

“What do you mean the cakes already done?” Marth yelled at Sumia, “This is why Chrom didn’t choose you, you can’t follow orders.”

 

“I-I’m so sorry Hero-King,” Sumia apologized avoiding the angry prince’s glare, “B-but I’m not the one who made the cake.”

 

“... Oh.”

 

“I made it!” Morgan smiled as he ran into the kitchen, “Do you think mom and dad would be proud of me?”

 

“Seeing as how you’re not in Smash Bros with them, I’d say no.”

 

It didn’t really matter to Marth if the cake was done too early or not. He just likes bossing people around since his friends had reached that point in their friendship where they can’t get bossed around. And it’s not as though he had an entertainment planned.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

As Marth returned with cake, Ike and Roy sighed in relief that they didn’t have to play anymore. Link had stopped caring but Pit was really disappointed and urged his friends to eat fast.

 

Ike and Roy made sure to take their time despite Pit’s intense stares. Honestly, only Link and Marth seemed to be enjoying themselves.

 

“Why’s Pit so into this game?” Marth asked.

 

“Because he wants to know what we’ll do,” Link explained, “If Ike wins, we scare you in the kitchen and if Roy wins, we set the castle on fire.”

 

Marth’s face went pale as he heard what would happen if either of his friends won. He was really screwed because either way his friends would learn that he hadn’t done shit.

 

Link assumed Marth had gotten upset because he though his friends were making fun of him and reassured him that Ike and Roy were probably using rock on purpose at this point.

 

Ike was mentally begging someone to kill him while Roy cried internally about being unable to feel his clenched hand. They didn’t want to play anymore but that wouldn’t stop Pit from insisting they continue.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

“How much longer is this going to last?” Marth complained, “I love using my iPhone but I’m getting bored of it.”

 

“Poor Roy, he’ll barely get any time to prepare a menu. We should probably let him surprise us.”

 

“I guess we’re used to surpri- Oh, my fucking god that fucking peice of shit stupid ass shit game. That’s it, we’re burning this place down.”

 

Link didn’t get why Marth had suddenly gotten upset until he looked at his phone. Poor Marth, he really had bad luck.

 

The two hundredth round of just rock at this point was about to start. Pit was staring intensely and sang the rock-paper-scissors chant as his two friends agonized.

 

Before the chant finished, Marth kicked Roy across the room leaving his friends speechless.

 

“You used paper!” Pit pointed out, breaking the silence.

 

“Great let’s go burn this castle!” Marth cheered gaining confused looks from his friends, “What? Is there something on my face?”

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

There’s no better feeling in the world than walking with your four best friends in the world as the sun sets and your ancestors’ castle burns in the background while innocent civilians cry for help.

 

It’s not as though that universe was real anyway. So in Marth’s opinion, what he and his friends had just done was completely acceptable. Everything was just an illusion made by Palutena. Probably.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

After taking their showers, the five friends met up to discuss the dinner. It had been a somewhat surprisingly enjoyable meal.

 

“I’m looking forward to eating at your place,” Ike told Roy, “I bet you’ve already got a whole dinner planned out.”

 

“Um... I don’t know. I’m sure it will suck, it’s not as though I know anything about cooking.”

 

“If it makes you feel better, I only learned how to cook in a few hours,” Pit said in a failed attempt to reassure the redhead.

 

“B-but... It took me years to get good at Smash, how am I going to get good at cooking in a few hours?”

 

“Worst case scenario, we don’t like it and we laugh it off,” Link smiled, “I’m sure you’ll at least have a nice entertainment to make up for the meal.”

 

Ike and Marth wanted to reassure Roy by telling him that they didn’t know how to cook either but they had to keep the illusion going. So poor Roy remained convince he was the only one who sucked at cooking.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

Master Hand laughed his ass off as he checked the previous episode’s ratings. The show had become mainstream on the dark web. Everyone was talking about it and loving it.

 

He loved all the attention his show had been receiving. The fans were looking forward to seeing the next episode. They wouldn’t stop theorizing about what was going to happen next.

 

Master Hand was excited to edit the new episode. He had gotten pretty much the whole day off because Marth was insane enough that no interfering was necessary to make the show interesting.

 

The night was spent laughing and editing while telling Crazy Hand to not enter his room. This show was his little secret after all.

 

:.｡. o()o .｡.*

 

_I wonder if I’ll get to find out who my mom is? I hope dad’s doing fine. Hopefully, Hector won’t throw Armads at me. Maybe I’ll get so see what Lyn looks like as an old woman. Will dad be proud of my growth spurt?_

 

“Wait, I need to get the menu done!” Roy yelled, waking himself and his roommates up.

 

“Damn it, Roy,” Ike yelled back, “Go to sleep.”

 

“It’s okay, I’m almost done!”

 

“Sure, you are,” Marth yawned, “It’s not like you’re yelling about needing to get your menu done at 2 am or anything.”

 

Roy didn’t know what to write down. He didn’t know what was easy to make. He didn’t even know what ingredients were available in Elibe. He was really screwed.

 

Roy spent the whole night looking at cooking books to try and find out what he could make. He wanted to cry but he couldn’t waste his time. He couldn’t fail his friends.

 

But it was okay because he was ensuring a great episode for Master Hand. His fans were eager to see someone fuck up a meal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. 
> 
> I’ll try to get Roy’s chapter out a bit quicker because half the jokes I have planned rely on CYL3 still being relevant and him not having a legendary alt. 
> 
> Legendary alt please, IS. I don’t want to change my Reddit flair to Azura. There’s only one fire hero left and it needs to be Roy. March is supposed to be a fire season iirc so that means Roy could be a legendary hero in the end of February but it seems like the upcoming legendary hero is green and the April one is supposedly colorless and Roy can only use swords in Binding Blade. I’m gonna be more salty if he doesn’t get a legendary alt than if Marth gets third place in CYL4.
> 
> Rant over. 
> 
> See you guys next chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed.  
> I'm uploading this from my fanfiction account. It's late lol.  
> See you guys next chapter.


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